What am I doing here, in church?: transfiguring a retired priest
I dug deep down to the bottom of my soul, and there was nothing. Not a wink, not a word… nothing until I opened my eyes to stand for the final communal prayer and immediately a heated yellow-orange glow stretched from my heart across space and kissed the spark at the the heart of every person present.
Kneeling at the altar, the palms of my hands extended in front of me, I felt nothing, much as I felt nothing except a vague sense of ennui while pondering the dusty church windows, sluggishly singing “Blessed Jesus, at thy word, we are gathered all to hear thee….” and hearing the too familiar words of the Eucharistic Prayer echo in my chest. Yes, I was as empty as Jesus’ godforsaken tomb.
With the bread of life pasted to my palate, I returned to my seat and sighed a sinking prayer. “O God, I have no idea what I am doing here. What am I doing here?” I dug deep down to the bottom of my soul, and there was nothing. Not a wink, not a word… nothing until I opened my eyes to stand for the final communal prayer and immediately a heated yellow-orange glow stretched from my heart across space and kissed the spark at the the heart of every person present. A singular word rose to consciousness. Compassion. “Debra, this fire is compassion.”
In the flash of this preciously intimate moment I saw the unseeable and grasped the ungraspable. A heated yellow-orange glow radiated from behind the closed doors of my heart and the hearts of every person standing in the sanctuary. The taste was of delicious alertness. I knew that even though we do not see or say it, we all are secretly akin in the glowing warmth of desire for “something more.”
Regardless of what our heads tell us about why we came to Church this morning; for healing, hope, habit, connection, meaning, value, forgiveness, or gratitude, to check the “I’m a good person” box or find new life, all of our desire rises from the fire of God’s desire for us. There is One fire, One desire. Which means we are One, clandestinely connected in the supernal fire of our God sparked desire.
And so, bound by the heated yellow-orange glow hidden from us in the pit of our hearts, we come to the altar with empty hands outstretched, hoping against hope to realize our desire for “something more,” something more that we already have!
I wonder if that is what Mary Magdalene asks herself while standing outside Jesus’ tomb? (See Biblical text below) “What am I doing here?” I wonder if she prays, “O God, I have no idea what I am doing standing here, alone, outside this empty tomb? All is lost. What is the point? I probably should return home with the others.”
But something inside her hollow heart compels Mary Magdalene to stay. So Mary waits, weeps and wonders, “What is this burning inside my godforsaken heart? Could there possibly be ”something more?” Then from the depths of unknowing the angels question Mary, “Woman, why are you weeping?” Perhaps today Mary answers, “I am looking for ‘something more’ but I do not know where to look.”
When have you asked yourself, “What am I doing here? When have you wondered, “Is there something more?”
When all seems lost. When we have no idea what we are doing here, there is every chance we have stumbled upon a shivery sweet supernal space. But, like the whiff of a winter breath, the moment will be quickly lost unless we stay with it. When we, like Mary Magdalene, consent to wait and weep and wonder in the pit of our emptiness, the fire of God’s desire for us is sure to rise again, and again, and again; calling to us with angelic voices and filling our godforsaken tombs with the heated yellow-orange kiss of transfiguring compassion.
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Learn more about me at https://www.debraasis.org/All words are generated by grace and the grit of a real human being. Debra Asis
John 20:11–18 Mary stood weeping outside the tomb. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb; and she saw two angels in white, sitting where the body of Jesus had been lying, one at the head and the other at the feet. They said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping?” She said to them, “They have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid him.” When she had said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not know that it was Jesus. Jesus said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you looking for?” Supposing him to be the gardener, she said to him, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have laid him, and I will take him away.” Jesus said to her, “Mary!” She turned and said to him in Hebrew, “Rabbouni!” (which means Teacher). Jesus said to her, “Do not hold on to me, because I have not yet ascended to the Father. But go to my brothers and say to them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’” Mary Magdalene went and announced to the disciples, “I have seen the Lord”; and she told them that he had said these things to her.
