Do You Want To Want It? : Confessing gradual progress
James Martin, SJ writes, “Sometimes you find yourself lacking the desire for something that you want to desire… Perhaps you know that you should be more generous, more loving, more forgiving but don’t desire it. How can you pray for that with honesty?”
Great question James! And frankly, I really do not like having to write the first thing that comes to mind today. But, that is the commitment I made to this practice, so here goes. Not poetry. Just a confession.
Almost forty years ago I divorced my daughter’s father for the way he treated and failed to support her as well as the two children of his previous marriage. Ten years later when, in my daughter’s words, he and his third wife “bought a Chinese baby,” something snapped inside me.
Twenty years later, when confessing my inability to forgive my daughter’s father, Fr. Cy, my Jesuit Spiritual Director, suggested I pray to forgive him. “Honestly,” I said, “I cannot muster any desire to forgive that man.” Not missing a beat Cy replied, “Pray for the desire to forgive him.”
After what was clearly a pregnant pause I queried, “How about I pray for the desire, to desire, to desire to forgive him?” Again, with zero hesitation Cy came back, “Perfect, see there is God’s invitation in your desire, to desire, to desire.” Utterly unconvinced, and frankly rolling the eyes of my heart, I muttered assent.
Forty years later I am two degrees closer to forgiving the man. Today when I pray for him (which is not regularly) I have progressed two degrees of desire closer. Now, as Cy instructed, “I pray for the desire to forgive him.” Presumably, God, the infinite generosity of Ultimate Reality, is patiently waiting for my RSVP.
James Martin, SJ quote above is found in An Ignatian Book of Days by Jim Manney, a series of daily reflections from the Spiritual Wisdom of St. Ignatius of Loyola. Throughout the book we hear the voices of St. Ignatius as well as many great thinkers and writers, long gone and present day, each uniquely revealing the way of finding God in all things. And that is my intention; to find God/Divine Presence/Ultimate Reality in whatever presents itself to me each day in 2024.
Each day I will read, reflect and write on the selection, hoping to articulate the ways in which I come to know God/Divine Presence/Ultimate Reality via personal experience, impelled by the leading of my inner life.
INVITATION
Would you like to join me? The book is accessible on Amazon. Let me know in the comments to this post and sign up to get an email whenever I post. I would love to read your reflections too, public or private messages welcome!
If you find this post meaningful please clap and leave a comment. If you have not yet, please subscribe. Thank you!
Learn more about me at
https://www.debraasis.org
All words are generated by grace and the grit of a real human being,
Debra Asis
